Ask and you will be given...within some boundaries i guess

>It was so long ago when back in the hospital my mom was loosing weight and becoming more and more of an angel, they say one has to fast to become more of a spiritual being , and she was in the middle of her transformation and all that was keeping her attached to this earth was her love for her family , for us

It hurts so much to know that she is gone, but what conforts me at moments of such great pain , is to know that she is not really gone , that she is still with us, more present than ever , taking care of us, sending us energy and star dust and watching over us

Novembre is Pancreatic Cancer awareness month

Chillax....

Sometimes when i'm screaming and being hyper I notice the whole world is calm and I feel ridiculous…

How can we embrace our own self when it is so different from everyone else, how can we accept who we really are when we have seeked to be normal our entire life with so many tools and noticed that normal is not a constant through time and place, but is more of a feeling of acceptance…

I think life is like an autocad screen where we can choose to add a grid or not. So if we do, its like a sword with 2 edges, we'll have the "great" snap feature which constraints our movements to the predefined evenly spaced dots.

But if we don’t we are free and kind of lost without a notion of distance….

so anyhow with this grid we can always try to intersect a predefined form like a curvilinear design (which has no edges) but that will pretty much never work out ….and we can keep on trying forever and still…coz that's not the purpose of autocad, so if we want to draw or copy drawing , we don’t really need autocad and its snap tools, but how to get rid of them if we don’t know how to draw with a pen?

I guess it takes time….

Being in touch with one's own feelings

Ronny Mosuse - Laat Me Niet Alleen (Live) 

 

we need constant reminders of humility and feelings

its weird we are made of feelings but we tend to toughen up so much 

to put a shell on us and isolate ourselves

thank God for music

A tiny success

 

I always knew that the harder the task, the more happiness its accomplishments will bring..

However as i grew up, i tend to value the quality of life which i have mistaken with being lazy and procrastinating. Thus, my accomplishments have gone down noticeably.

Sometimes we don't really have choices but to work hard and we notice then , that we still have it in us, no matter how many people discourage us and tell us that life is not worth it and that we should just live aimlessly...

Maybe I am a dreamer and I have fallen so many times that I am becoming an "insomniac", but  I feel that I am working that out through my own convictions

its true i tend to be very easily influenced, i tend to listen to other's opinions and i admit that i often believe they are right and they have more knowledge about my life than my own self (ridiculously)

those people are not bad people, they have strong convictions and make it a appoint to say them out loud. However I have to migrate from the camp of the weak or I will never be happy and live the life I always dreamed of.

Being ripped of your own identity

Someone once told me that i tend to be as sensitive as an egg's skin, and that i've got to toughen up.

Why are some people sensitive and others insensitive? How come some of us get so affected but life's circumstances that we react sometimes in real destructive manners…is it true that we can control it all in our head?

I believe that thinking and feeling are quite related but it takes lots of energy and focus and that we are not at all times set and ready to face situation with such ultimate tools, unless we are some yogi or are in a natural retreat which we don’t all have the luxury to benefit of.

So in short , we cant chose our moments of falling and sometimes unfortunately we face tough situations when we need to be at our best aspects and mental states, so how do we react, what to do in such situation? Can we lie? Or shall we try to be less perfectionists?

I guess such situations try to teach us something, since all life is a learning process , or so the wise shall see it (not that I am a wise person). So one should learn to simplify and make assumptions or else we can never finish our tasks in an imperfect world being imperfect human beings.

It does kill me to do that , but lets face it , we do not have any other option , of course other than running away and freaking out , which is not a very good one!

and obviously its never gonna be easier , and we are never gonna be required to stop thinking, choices will always have to be made , and the more we grow up , the harder the choices...why?????

Calculated risks...

Lately i have been literally a chicken, refusing to take risks and sticking on the safe side , and what i have noticed is that my life has been flowing and flowing and i have been looking at it pass with regret, it is just not me and it is eating me up from the inside.

So i figured, if there is no right and wrong ,within limits of my principles of course, since i am a grown up now J and so happy to be, i should trust myself more and do what i feel like doing and not just in extreme sports (not that i am a great mountain hiker or even close to  be)…

anyhow i have decided that this is gonna be a new beginning for me

i am gonna start taking my own decisions and if they turn out to be wrong well its ok , i will have to pay the price of my failures , which is way better than to sit and regret and boredom and become this vain and silly person that lives only thru my books (which i will never ever give up for it is my non fattening chocolate)..

Awakening...

What i think is that life is about winning and losing battles.

It is really hard. Very few can constantly progress and maybe that is why the survival of the fittest theory holds still until this day.

The fittest today has to have lots of criteria that i shall call qualities, he shall have: brains, soul, nerves and skills.

When i say it like that, i tend to think that all human creatures, actually even all mammals have them , but what i meant is : have them developed.

We are at an era where it is not easy to be alive but where it is a blessing to be alive, and it is quite magical what we can make of our living

I am shifting from my main subject…

So life is about battles and it is only normal that we all have weaknesses, it doesn’t make us unfit to be in the selection, but what does make us unfit is when we judge ourselves through the eyes of others, when we see them pity us because of their different point of views and ways of thinking, that kills me and when I discover that a super close friend was a liar all along that just destroys me…

All paths lead to the one

 

Listen to: Yusuf Islam - The Wind

Another level of understanding...just trust you heart

They say that defeat is blessing in disguise

i think that is too far fetched.

Failing might reveal to be a learning and a growing process, but only if we want it to be.

I don't think we do the same mistakes again coz we never will be in the exact same situation again, so no need to freak out about that, but what scares me, is when we reach a peak of "wisdom" to slide back to ignorance coz we haven't set our foundations properly.

Maybe it just takes time, anyhow life is a mystery and living it is an adventure full of discoveries

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?

(Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

An inspiring story...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and started to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

 
The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car..

The sand is everything else --
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time
 to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
 Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

i think i have post traumatic stress

According to the Mayo clinic whose researches on PanCan were totally helpless, Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror.

I think i am doing a pretty good job (in all modesty) dealing with life ,  then again my boss tells me that i am super emotional (but that's something else and besides he's a man)

In any case i think every human being is different and thus develops his own way to deal with personal problems or horrible events that he encounters.

My way of dealing with my horrible event is to try to block it out.

The problem is however that sometimes there are things that happen and that are out of your control and they just open the cork of your memory bottle and sad stuff start flowing out, and that hurts so very much…..and i still haven't figured out a way to deal with that especially that the sad sad stuff happened to someone that i love so very much and i cant just rationally understand what happened.

My brains cannot conceive it or find an explanation to it, and to understand it i need to think and if i think it goes against my protection mechanism of blocking…

Taking decisions

The world is how you perceive it, and all roads lead to Rome maybe with like a 10% time difference which is actually irrelevent ( to me )
So if our choices are irrelevent in regards to the end result , but only the confort of the path is gonna change, the smart thing would be to live in the moment
They say having the option to pick among different choices is a luxury, but i find it so confusing that i would almost call it a curse
Sometimes life sends you signs that you can chose to see or disregard, but those freak me out because the come from the beyond, from nowhere, from some random parallel universe that is like a supreme force that is like some kind of a hint from God that we should probably catch in order to get to the next step...but then again what if it was not a hint ,what if it was just the fruit of randomness?
How can one tell?
So if i disregard all these bunch of signs, i would actually simplify my life by 30% of confusing thoughts , and i would probably trust more my own wants and needs...
But would i still be a beleiver in a supreme force if i did that??

I love you tomorrow (oxymoron)...

Listen to: Annie - It's A Hard Knock Life 

Oxymoron: a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.

 

Another 16th coming up, 7 months flying away, just to say that we love you and remember you every second of every day

3 pieces of advice...

Listen to: Stephen Hawking on Religion: Science Will Win

what if we were immortal...would we lose our principals??

but if we think about that , maybe it doesnt even matter

maybe existence is really weird and we are really not in control, so principals or no principals our existence would be meaningless

but we should not lose our sense of wonder...

i guess questioning is not the point , it is the feeling beyond it 


Now honestly, can we become stupid? Because I really feel that I am…my brain is like biologically slowing down like in a stoner's case & all I can "think" about are stupidities…
What has happened? What has triggered that?
Now of course, I can accept that and slide along but I have people to report to; I am part of a system, which is actually a working system! And I need that system in order to survive…
Why do I have these thoughts? Where do they come from? I don’t think I'm suffering from overstrain and I don’t even wanna go through all the possibilities of what could be wrong because with today's self-indulgent symptoms, people have become a bunch of losers and I don’t want to join that club
It would totally be better to be swimming on the beach and enjoying the sun, but the truth is that it is not that bad being over here, or so I say to myself
I figure I have an internal conflict going on and that is not easy to deal with or to utterly get rid off…

Don't wanna do the same mistakes...

Listen to : Cat Stevens - The Wind

An angel visited me :)

Listen to: Robbie Williams Angels